Jokes

Posted by Andy Gavin on Fri, 2006-03-10 14:48

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will accept what ever you do; she will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. "She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
"What will a woman like this cost?"
"An arm and a leg."
"What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history......................

Q: What's black and comes out of the ground shouting "Knickers, knickers, knickers"?
A: Crude oil.

Q: What's yellow and comes out of cans saying "Lingerie, lingerie, lingerie"?
A: Refined oil.

Q: What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
A: Philippe Philoppe.

Q: What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
A: An elephant with diarrhoea.

Little Johnny misses a day at school. He comes back the next day and the teacher asks why he was off.
"Sorry Miss," he replied, "Daddy got burned"
"Oh dear" says the teacher, "I do hope it wasn't serious"
"Well Miss, they don't f**k about at the crematorium"

Q. What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't want in her face?
A. Wrinkles!

Q: What do you call a woman with a map, compass, and set of directions?
A: Lost.

Q: What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A: A wonky donkey.
Q: What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye?
A: A winky wonky donkey.
Q: What do you call a minature donkey with three legs and one eye?
A: A winky wonky dinky donkey.
Q: What do you call a minature donkey with three legs and one eye that can play the piano?
A: A plinky-plonky winky wonky dinky donkey.
Q: What do you call a minature donkey with three legs and one eye that can play the piano and has a bad case of wind?
A: A stinky plinky-plonky winky wonky dinky donkey.
Q: What do you call a really clever minature donkey with three legs and one eye that can play the piano and has a bad case of wind?
A: A thinky stinky plinky-plonky winky wonky dinky donkey.
Q: What do you call a really clever minature donkey with three legs and one eye that can play the piano and has a bad case of wind that has been attacked by a squid?
A: An inky thinky stinky plinky-plonky winky wonky dinky donkey.

Q. What do Henry the Eighth and Kermit the Frog have in common?
A. The same middle name

Q: Why did the Mexican attack his wife?
A: Tequila, tequila!

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Him: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
Her: Well, you succeeded.

Why does it take computer geeks so long to eat their breakfasts?

Because they have to enter it via their cereal port

Q. What do you call a raver trapped in a filing cabinet?
A. Sorted.

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they're practicing to be men.

Q: What did the Mexican fireman call his twin boys?
A: Jose and Hose B.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manuals"

Mary had a little skirt
With splits right up the sides
And every time that Mary walked
The boys could see her thighs
Mary had another skirt
'Twas split right up the front.
But she didn't wear that one very often

What do you call a bear with no paw?
Rupert the bastard.

mary had a little lamb,
its flease was crimson red,
not realy suprising,
it had a pick axe in its head..

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Q. Why does it take as many as eight women to change a light bulb if they are all suffering from PMT?
A. BECAUSE IT JUST DOES !!*#!!?#!!*!!!*#

Mary had a little lamb,
she tied it to a pylon,
10000volts went down its spine,
and turned its wool to nylon

Q. How do you blind a women?
A. Put a windscreen in front of her.

Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

An Eskimo's canoe springs a link, so he takes it to a canoe engineer.
The engineer examines it and declares "It looks like you've blown a seal."
To which the Eskimo replies "no, it's just frostbite on my beard"

him:Why don't women blink during foreplay?
her:They don't have time

what's the difference between drinking millar lite and making love in a canoe?
nothing, they're both fucking close to water

Q. How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Just the two. The trick is getting them in there.

A woman walks into a bar and orders a Double entendre, so the barman gives her one.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

A Buddhist monk walks into Burger King and says "make me one with everything"

TESTICULATING (n) : Waving your arms around and talking b*llocks.
STRESS PUPPY (n): A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
GOING FOR A McSH*T(n): Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog.
MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
Him: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Her: You wear pants don't you?

A Charity Pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics erupted into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted "He's Behind You!"

Q: What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A: Don't ask her out again.

A guy goes into a butcher's and asks "have you got a pig's head?"
"Yes!" replies the butcher.
"Brilliant" says the man. "I'll have some chops then Porky-Pig-Face!!!"

Q. What is Charlotte Church's favourite building?
A. A church.

Q. How did the sheriff know there was a crime taking place?
A. He heard the cattle rustling.

Two blondes walk into a building ...
you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Q. What's E.T. short for?
A. Because he has little legs

Bill: My wife drives like lightning.
Doug: She drives fast?
Bill: No, she hits trees!

They're showing the International Origami World Championships Final on Sky today ...
But it's not free to watch, it's on paper view!

  1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
  2. A will is a dead giveaway.
  3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
  4. A backward poet writes inverse.
  5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
  6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
  7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
  8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
  10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
  12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
  13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
  15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  16. A calendar's days are numbered.
  17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
  18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
  22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
  24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
  25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
  26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
  29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

    Sites
    Overheard in London